


i've nowhere else to be, with no one else to see.

by pastisregret



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post Desperada, desperada spoilers, ladrien rights!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 23:06:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20536118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastisregret/pseuds/pastisregret
Summary: 25,913 times. It had been 25,913 times.or, sometimes adrien needs some support. ladybug's there to give him that.





	i've nowhere else to be, with no one else to see.

**Author's Note:**

> bye wrote this half asleep lemme post this n bounceeee

Adrien can’t help thinking back to it. The feeling of being trapped, of constantly resetting on and on for days, weeks, _months_ on end, in the hopes he’d get lucky and save her. He hadn’t. He rewound time back so often he didn’t remember the last time he took the chance to take a quick breath, or to rethink anything other than what was necessary, of what had to be achieved.

Working with Ladybug. Protecting Ladybug. _Saving_ Ladybug.

25,913 times. It had been 25,913 times that he failed achieving that.

He tries to cope with it, he really does. He researches ways to make the pain go away, reads up and watches videos explaining what loss is like. Adrien knows what loss feels like, after having the most important woman in his life disappear without a trace, leaving him to sort out the world with nothing but the knowledge he learned himself to help him

But Adrien doesn’t know loss like this. Loss where he sees the love of his life get hit, knocked out, and taken up as another pin over and over so many times he can recall the exact layout of the street. The pebbles in the road, the rock he tripped over three times before remembering to sidestep over it, the bird that flew over them every time.

The way she looked at him each time she got struck, a flash of shock over her features before she disappeared in a puff of yellow smoke. The way her mouth always opened up, sometimes in pain, sometimes feeling the sudden sensation of Desperada’s hit, and sometimes about to call out to him.

Adrien hated those times the most. They replayed more often than the others, like a film he couldn’t put on pause.

He wonders if it’s worth every talking to someone about, if he can even build the courage to let it out in the open. Talking about it would mean acknowledging he had been Ladybug’s first choice to save the day, a choice he couldn’t live up to. Talking about it would mean he’d also have to mention that before Luka stepped up to the plate, he had to watch Ladybug go down over and over and _over_ with no clue as to what to do other than turn back time for a second chance.

A second chance. One that turned into so many he wondered if it had been easier to just give it all up in the beginning, let life play its intended course.

No, Adrien’s sure he doesn’t quite have a grip on everything just yet.

But Ladybug makes things easier for him, and that’s enough.

It first started with a quick drop in, a sudden tap on the window that drew his attention away from his computer and on her, eyes widening and guard going up, too tense and worried as to what could be the reason.

“I was worried about you,” she had told him, a nervous hand flying up to twirl one of her pigtails.

“Worried?”

“Yeah. Worried. I uh, just wanted to make sure you were fine. After all that, I mean.”

She doesn’t have to go into further detail. It’s not difficult to figure out what she’s referencing, the number flashing up in Adrien’s brain before he can find something else to occupy his thoughts.

_25,913._

He had assured her he was okay, that there was nothing to worry about. He looked at her and kept up a façade, the memory of him nearly breaking down in the sewers playing on repeat even while he spoke.

She didn’t buy it. Ladybug had placed a hand down on his, leaned in, and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. Told him she was proud of him for trying anyways, and that he had tried his best.

Told Adrien should he ever need someone to talk to, she was there for him.

When she pulled back, Adrien noticed she was blushing. It was the same shade of pink that he had seen thousands of times, usually in the moments before she got hit. The moments where for a second, he thought he’d be able to woo her over and save the day.

He realized about halfway through it all that it’d be better to abandon that plan.

The second time she drops by, Adrien’s called for her. He had memorized the contact information for the yo-yo ages ago, and hadn’t needed to try hard to recall the numbers as he tapped out a message, a quick call for help a superhero just couldn’t ignore, that he knew she’d respond to.

They never made it to the talking. No, instead Ladybug’s feet had barely touched the floor before Adrien fell into her arms, too worn out by his own thoughts to speak and more in search of the comfort no one could give him. He was _stuck_. Stuck in this stupid loop he wasn’t sure was a result of those five minutes lived over and over, or a curse he had brought onto himself.

He wondered if it’d ever get easier to move past.

Ladybug doesn’t press him. She doesn’t say anything, which is more than he could ever ask for in moments like this. No, instead she holds onto him, rubbing his back softly until he’s gone slump in her arms, fallen in a peaceful slumber she’s not sure how long he had gone without.

Adrien woke up the next morning in his bed, covers pulled up to his chin and a note on his nightstand. He wakes up with a sense of relief in his throat, the typical wave of distress disappearing, reading her bubbly handwriting over and over.

_Next time, we’ll talk it out._

The next time is when he’s trying to break a habit. Trying to stop staring off in the distance and reach his hand over to his opposite wrist, reliving the events so vividly he can almost feel the bracelet pressing into his skin. He needs to share his thoughts with someone, someone who won’t press too much and still give him all he needs and more.

He needs Ladybug.

She comes without him messaging her. She comes over like she knows what’s on his mind better than anyone else, something Adrien wants to believe cements the bond they hold when he’s Chat Noir.

_Chat Noir_. He’s finally started to take in how hard it must be for her to see him take hits for her over and over. She had maybe close to half a hundred times, attacks where he took that extra step needed to secure the day would be saved. He didn’t think it hurt that much. He never realized how tough it must be to see your partner fall right before your eyes, with no way to step in and stop it.

Adrien never realized it would be so tough until he had to do it every day.

Still, it’s not like he can just _stop_ protecting her. Everything he had done had been in an attempt to save her, to rescue her, to keep her good and well as long as was possible. Every step that he had taken, every precaution and backroad, came back to the same conclusion:

He wasn’t anything if he wasn’t keeping her safe.

And so, he finally tells her. He sits next to her on his bed, looks down into her eyes, and finally says what’s been on his mind.

“I’m scared,” he had said, voice low. “Scared that I’ll see you go again. Scared that you’ll call for me to help and… I won’t be able to again.”

Ladybug watched him, still and silent. She wouldn’t realize the true meaning behind his words, that it didn’t just relate to his failed fiasco of being Aspik. She wouldn’t understand the stress he felt when he became Chat Noir, the way his nerves flared up at the thought of messing up one more time. She wouldn’t understand just how much he had begun to treasure the days she left attacks unscathed.

But that doesn’t matter. She was there, beside him and listening. She was _listening_, and that was more than enough.

It became everything to him, after so long having no one.

He’s not sure of what time he falls asleep at, but he knows by the way he’s tucked into bed Ladybug stuck around long enough to settle him in bed. Head turning to look at his nightstand, he sees another note, written in the same handwriting as before, so comforting and lively it’s become almost familiar to him at this point.

_I’m here if you need anything else. Promise._

The third time, it’s less of a want and more of a need. Adrien had his phone pulled out before he had even turned on the light, unable to lie in bed without shifting around every few seconds. He simply had to have her there, to listen to him until the corners of his eyes grew tired and he fell asleep, fell deep into the world of darkened bliss, where Ladybug would disappear and still keep him safe even in his dream.

She had listened, told him she’d be on her way. Adrien readied himself to share more, to express his feelings outward and try to unlock the parts that didn’t quite want to go out yet. He sat still, staring at the open window, and wished for an easy night’s rest this time around. And while had that had been the plan, Adrien couldn’t guarantee that every plan would play out the way it wanted to.

He knew that better than anyone by this point.

She keeps her promise well, seated in the same spot as before and ready to hear whatever he has to say. And it’s maybe the only thing that stays close to the plan Adrien’s set up because as soon as she’s in front of him he can’t quite form the words the way he had planned before. He doesn’t understand how to formulate anything, not when she’s giving him a soft look and blinking in the same way she had been the 17,829th time round, two seconds before Desperada knocked her upside the head, an unconscious Ladybug in the middle of the street and Adrien frantically rewinding time for one more go.

He thinks that one hurt the most.

Instead, they’re quiet. Adrien doesn’t seek any contact from her, his hands close to his lap and simply staring at her, observing every small feature on Ladybug’s face, the face he knew so well he could paint it from memory with no challenge.

A face he knew well enough before attempting to wield the snake miraculous.

The end of the night comes shortly, his eyes barely on their way to close tightly. Adrien guesses it must be late even for someone like Ladybug, and expects a small hug and goodbye to come from her. Maybe if she was up for it, she’d tuck him in again like she had before.

Except she doesn’t quite go that route this time. Instead, Ladybug holds his hand softly, pulling it from his lap and to rest in the space between them. Leaning upwards, he assumes she’ll lay a quick kiss on his cheek, one that has him gasping in anticipation.

Only she doesn’t land a kiss on his cheek. She misses, making for his lips instead.

Adrien thinks there’s a lot to get through. A lot to figure out, especially when he can’t get everything sorted out in his mind and no where to go but to one person. Who knows when the day will come he doesn’t drift off to one of the various memories gained while being Aspik, or look at Ladybug and not reach for his wrist first.

He’s not sure of getting there yet. But Ladybug makes it easier to deal with, and he can’t fight that.

**Author's Note:**

> mari-cheres on tumblr


End file.
